Parental custody and visitation are among the most difficult aspects of divorce. Both parents want what is best for their children, but the adults can differ wildly on just what “best” is.
Eventually, either the courts or the parents establish who has primary custody while the other parent is provided a specific amount of visitation. That visitation could mean weekends, one week a month, or an entire summer. Custody and visitation arrangements can vary greatly from family to family.
North Carolina believes whenever possible, children are best raised when both parents play an active role in their lives. That means that even if a child doesn’t want to visit as agreed, it’s incumbent on the parents to maintain agreed-upon visitation. Not doing so is a violation of the divorce agreement, which comes with consequences.
Understanding Why a Child Resists Visiting a Parent
There are three common reasons why a child doesn’t want to visit the other parent, and we’ll go through all three in more detail:
- Children’s Fluctuating Emotions
- Bitter Parents
- Physical Distance
Children’s Emotions in Divorce
A child refusing to do something a parent asks is common. They are figuring out their boundaries as well as their parents. In divorce, figuring out those boundaries becomes more complicated. Even in so-called amicable divorces, a child may see for the first time that their parents are not a united front. One parent allows them to do something that another doesn’t. A child may not want to go to visitation if it means leaving their large bedroom, a backyard pool, or a parent that lets them stay up late. Evening the playing field, and playing by the same rules, is integral to effective co-parenting.
Ripple Effect of Bitter Parents
Parents often have anger toward one another when a marriage goes south. Children are very perceptive, and they can see what is happening between their parents, usually before parents tell them about the impending divorce. Like their parents, children can have resentment toward their parents. They may even lay more blame at the feet of one parent.
In cases where a child faults one parent, the child might refuse to spend time with that parent. Talking to the child (and the other parent) throughout the process is important. A professional counselor might also be needed to help a child work through their emotions.
Modeling a strong parental relationship despite the divorce can help a child feel grounded. They will see that it is OK for them to maintain a positive relationship with both parents.
Physical Distance Between Parents
When a couple splits, they may try to live near each other so that their children can always be in the same familiar surroundings. That closeness isn’t always possible. The custodial parent’s home is the location the child attends school, has the bulk of their friends, and participates in activities. Going to a parent’s house can upset everything the child knows, especially when the parent lives in another part of the state or another state altogether. Physical distance makes it more challenging to create strong bonds, particularly for younger children. They can’t as effectively use video chats, text messages, and emails to stay connected to the parent between visits. An emotional gap can become as wide as the physical space.
Ensuring a Child Is Safe During Visitation
There are situations when a child refuses to visit the other parent because they feel unsafe. Understanding the true motivation and feelings of the child is nuanced. When parents live separately, new people like friends and romantic partners enter their lives. Does the child truly feel threatened by a new person, or does the child simply not like them? Parents also want to make sure their former spouse has not picked up a new habit such as alcohol or drug use, which makes the child uncomfortable.
Keeping an open line of communication with the other parent is crucial. Asking the child questions before and after each of their visits can also illuminate any red flags. If you feel a child is in imminent danger, call 911. If you suspect there could be a safety issue, contact your attorney right away.
Enforcing Non-Custodial Visitation Rights in North Carolina
In North Carolina, child visitation agreements are often crafted by the parents outside of a courtroom. Negotiated agreements are better followed because both parents collectively decided the terms. When a judge makes the decision, one or both parents might feel more inclined to defy the order.
When one parent does not uphold the visitation agreement – even if it is the child who is balking – that parent can be held in contempt of court. Even “stay at home” orders during a pandemic do not absolve the custodial parent’s obligation to ensure the child has visitation with the other parent.
At Jetton & Meredith, PLLC, our attorneys can help parents navigate custodial issues before and after the divorce is final. If your current child custody and visitation agreement no longer works for you, schedule a consultation with us to discuss the possibility of modifying the child custody agreement.
Call us at (704) 931-5535 or submit our online form to speak to one of our attorneys about child custody and visitation.